A Place to Call My Own

This week I have been searching my soul hoping to restore the parts of me I miss the most. I have been struggling immensely with feelings of guilt. Guilt for not being the wife and the mother and I want to be or had hoped I "magically" would be. Guilt for wanting them to just go away for a minute so I can be by myself, alone with my own thoughts and feelings. Just alone for long enough to figure out what is making me so frustrated. And then it hit me...I am so frustrated because I don't get any time to myself. I haven't had any time to feed my soul or nurture my innermost being. I've read the Bible late at night when the circles around my eyes have almost reached black and my head is so swarmy I can't even comprehend a single thing I am reading. I have prayed. Desperate prayers mostly. In the middle of the night. Prayers that go something like: "Lord, please let him not be waking up. Lord, please let him stay asleep. Lord, please give me patience; I am SO tired. Lord, please help me fight the urge to push my snooring, mouth wide opened, soundly sleeping husband off the bed. Lord, please, please help me."
Mostly due to the moving, and all the changes, and the weird schedules, and then also to my lack of security in the beginning months with anyone having my son but me, I have worn myself thin. I could give you all the reasons I am worn so thin, and a good sob story, but that isn't the point. I don't need to convince anybody that I need the time or of all the reasons why it's been so hard to take it. Everybody has a list like that. I am no different. My reasons are no better in the long run. I am going to wear myself right out. So I am in search of a space to call my own. And a time slot. Just to be by myself. Alone with my thoughts, listening to my music, reading my Bible, talking to my God. Alone. Because at this rate my poor husband doesn't even feel wanted in his own home. Without intending to, I have been in such need of some space that it is seeping from every pore. If I don't figure this out soon, I am going to kill a perfectly wonderful marriage.
We had a good talk yesterday as I told him of this need. This is a deep rooted need, going back as far as I can remember. When I was 10 we lived in a 2 bedroom trailer with 7 people. I had my own room. Not because I had asked for it, but because my mother knew it was what I would need. I remember being hesitant to accept it because it didn't seem fair. Still doesn't. Everybody understood though. I just needed a place to be alone in order to be ok. I have been the one sleeping on the couch, or sharing a room, but I always found a place to call my own. A closet, a niche above the pantry, the rooftop of a camper.
When Josh and I got married, he went to work and I made the entire house my space. I had plenty of time to be alone. Since this became routine, I forgot it was a need. Then, Kaiden was born, and shortly after Josh lost his job, and we moved. Now his primary job is being on call at night and the other hours are spattered here and there during the day and Kaiden is testing the limits of nap time (currently about 30 minutes is all we get in unless I am holding him).
I am proud to be a wife and a mother, but before I was either, I was proud to be Rachel, a beloved child of God. If I don't take some time away I may lose her. And she's the only reason I ever make a very good wife or mother anyway. This week my goal is to find time and space. I am not sure yet whether I will make a space in my home, or outside, or in another house here on sight. The harder part I feel will be the time. Please pray for me friends, as I squash the guilt that has kept me thus far from taking the time. I thought I cast out the demon of guilt from my life long ago. Apparently, somewhere, I have allowed him to reenter. Oh that once we were pulled out of a pit, it wasn't so easy to fall into another, shaped oddly enough just like the first. Please pray that I am able to get enough time away with my Lord and Savior that He is able to make all things right again.